Friday, April 29, 2011

Have I Got News For You!

Good news everyone! I finally got my fancy new video card working. Why is this significant? Because up until now every single multiplayer game I had on Steam did not work on my computer. Oh sure, the games loaded just fine, but in game everything looked like a lava lamp had vomited on it. Plus, ragdolls (models with joints like people, robots and aliens for you non-technical types) didn't render so much as they were splashed across the screen like a giant kite made of skin and blue overalls. It was extremely distressing, not just because I couldn't play my beloved Counter-Strike, but because Leo was getting more hats then me in Team Fortress 2 (It's ok, no one plays that anymore anyway.).

So that's how it was for a couple months. I was deprived of my precious video games, with nothing to do but create Insomnia. Strangely enough, Half-Life 2 and it's Episodes weren't broken even though they received the same update as every other game.

A few weeks ago, Insomnia finished, I thought my life couldn't become any more beautiful, but who would have guessed it, Portal 2 was released. So I've been playing that AND Counter-Strike non-stop this week. I'll tell you all about that later. For now, it's time to take another look into the dark world of...

...album covers.

Night Rocker By David Hasselhoff


Oh thanks David, this is a real great way to start the evening. Honestly, those leather pants can't be comfortable. If my calculations are correct, that awful fuzz that's obscuring the picture is actually rain, in which case David here is even more unfortunate for being stuck in those pants. While we're at it, KITT probably isn't taking to kindly to having a view of those pants' backside.

"Funk Dumpling" By Perry Robinson 4

It's never a good idea to host a jazz orchestra in Paranoia, it's inevitable that all the clarinets will turn into Planet Killers, after that happens the whole evening generally goes down hill.

Grey Oceans By CocoRosie


Around the time my mustache became thick and properly manly, I started to see the world in a new way. I had an epiphany: everyone should have a mustache, even women.

After seeing this cover...I don't think women should have mustaches.

They should have beards.

(Yes, their music is as strange as the cover would have you believe.)

No, no no no!


NO. I don't want to see these two in my dreams! Seriously, take a look at that one to the right, it looks like some awful plastic mannequin brought to life with witchcraft. If those aren't murder-eyes I don't know what are.

On second thought, don't look at that one too long. It might steal your soul.

Slave to the Rhythm By Grace Jones


Oh my god. Grace Jones was always a little frightening, she was a Bond villain after all but this is pushing it. I'm serious, I get the sensation that I am actually going to fall inside her mouth, it's like staring into the event horizon of a black hole. Please stop screaming Grace, you're making this post more frightening then it needs to be.

If it helps there's a My Little Pony version...



NO!

Trout Mask Replica By Captain Beefheart


Finally, a proper cover. You know, not all Deep Ones want to impregnate our Earth-Women with mutant fish-spawn. Some of them are upstanding citizens who pay their taxes. Take the captain here, he became quite popular in the Innsmouth night club scene. Afterwords he went on tour all over New England, eventually playing at the Grand Ole Opry.

Now that's the American Dream.

The Ethel Merman Disco Album By Ethel


Don Elliot hurtled through the void of space on his moped of death. Entire worlds went up in flame trying to fight the power of Jazz, none succeeded. It seemed like all was lost, nothing could be done to stop Don from destroying all of reality.

But Ethel knew his one weakness: Disco.

Leberkas Hawaii By Gerhard Polt


Um, appetizing? Honestly, Gerhard here doesn't look too thrilled after transforming into a hunk of spam. It's okay Gerhard, at least you have a tasteful garnish to keep you company. I'm pretty sure no one wants to eat you anyway...well, maybe Grace Jones might.

HEINO!


Heino strikes again! This time with an armful of poodles! Escape is impossible: They will hunt you to the ends of the motel parking lot and force you to listen to Heino's musical stylings.




Oh, Seymour! Fancy meeting you here!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Into the World, the Hallways of Wraith

Oh jeez, I've been meaning to make this post for a while now but there has been simply no time. I've tried for the past several days but never is there enough time for a proper post.

First thing's first: Insomnia has been downloaded over ten thousand times in the past ten days. That's an average of 5149.5 downloads a day and that's fantastic.

My ego has swelled to the size of a red giant and I'm loving it. My life means something again, I am the artist supreme. Now I'm starting to have delusions of godhood (or at least demi-dietyhood).



(This is how I've felt since Insomnia's release.)

Of course, the euphoria of unquestionable success hasn't been without a grain of salt. I've gotten quite a few complaints from map aficionados from the Garry's Mod Toybox:

"Paranoia was so scary and cool but this is just weird with action"
-006 spy killerCCPC/CP Commander

"I think I prefere paranoia better, this is missing something, I dont know what though."
-Straight Up Lazy

"I've didn't like this map, I prefered Paranoia. Insomnia isn't scaring and is very easy and short.

2/10 "
-Nicholas Da Costa

"wasnt that fun. he lost the mojo in this.i like parania better."

Now that's all fine and dandy, I don't mind if people like Paranoia more. I mean, I love Paranoia as my first born map. But keep in mind, Insomnia wasn't really meant to be scary. Paranoia was scary, but I dropped all pretenses of horror in it's sibling and opted instead to open the floodgates of abstraction and spill as much weirdness as possible into a single map.

Also, I'm not too into the whole "constructive criticism" thing. If a map shows promise and you have good ideas on how to make it better then by all means share them. Of course, if a map is bad, simply god-awful, then by all means call it bad and leave at that. Brevity is the soul of wit.

On the other hand, if you're talking about a masterpiece like Insomnia, especially when it's made by a God-Emperor, then you had better have something better than "lost the mojo". That simply will not do. It makes it sound like I misplaced some exotic salsa or worse, became infertile. And that's terrible.

Now, that's not to say the response has been overwhelmingly negative. Like every masterpiece from den √úbermenschen, there will be nay-sayers. It's an unfortunate fact of life. It's exactly what happened when Atlas Shrugged was written, or when Citizen Kane was filmed or even when writing was invented.

Plus, this comment refutes all others:

"you my friend, you are a god"
-1st recon papa boomer

You hear that?

I AM BECOME AGAMEMNON!

THE CREATOR OF WORLDS!!!


Sunday, April 10, 2011

It is Complete

My creation, my child, THE DISTILLED ESSENCE OF MY VERY BEING!

Insomnia. Is. COMPLETE.

Last night, at Eleven O'clock, it was the last compile. I knew in that instant when I saw doors to abstract plains swing wide open that it was complete. Now my life blood, my raison d'etre is yours to download:

Gamebanana: http://www.gamebanana.com/maps/155298

garrysmod.org: http://www.garrysmod.org/downloads/?a=view&id=120137

With it finally finished I can enjoy these last moments of my spring break and vow not to take on such a colossal effort for a very very long time.